Awful Fanbases: Texas A&M
As the newest–and arguably strangest–addition to the SEC, Texas A&M is getting more than their fair attention as of late. Let’s take a moment to learn a little bit more about the history of this program and the fans that make the Aggies so contemptible.
The Little Brother
You cannot discuss Texas A&M without discussing their unhealthy and preoccupying fixation with Texas.
The relationship between Texas and Texas A&M is not unlike what we see from Michigan and Michigan State up in the north, with the exception being that Michigan State actually has significant success from time to time. Texas A&M has an overpowering little brother syndrome in relation to Texas that bleeds into everything that they do. If you ask an Aggie what they think of the Longhorns, assuming you’re fortunate enough to find one capable of communication beyond grunts and scrapes, you’ll be treated to a vulgar rant about the evils of Longhorn football complete with a fresh misting of spittle. While that Aggie continues to babble about class make your way to the nearest Texas fan and ask them what they think of the Aggies. The reaction you’ll get in return will fall somewhere between the broad range of a shrug to a disinterested laugh.
Texas goes about their business in the spotlight while Texas A&M waits for the chance to drag them into their cabin, smash their ankles and either kill them or fuck them.
Those Poor Dogs
If you do manage to communicate with an Aggie first of all make a note in your field guide but secondly ask them about their dog cemetery. You heard me.
Texas A&M has gone the live mascot route and trots out a long-suffering American Collie called Reveille for its home losses. As soon as a Reveille dies, either as the result of sexual trauma at the hands of cadets or disgust, its remains are moved to a cemetery near the stadium complete with its own miniature scoreboard. Yes, the school funded a tiny live scoreboard for the dead dogs so they can watch Baylor drag A&M’s ass up and down the field IN REAL TIME.
The current iteration of their mascot, Reveille VIII, along with sporting the haunted eyes of an abuse victim is significant for achieving a higher standing GPA than Rick Perry.
Although to be fair to Rick I’m sure achieving a 2.0 in Animal Sciences from a school that reluctantly teaches evolution was a massive challenge.
The List Eater
There is perhaps no incident in the history of A&M more controversial than The List Eater. Well, maybe integration but those wounds are still fresh.
Whenever A&M manages to limp past enough SMUs and Baylors to squeak their way into a bowl game you can count on their fans camping out for days to secure the right to watch their Aggies lose in person. In 2004 one dedicated, and if I may say delectable Aggies fan showed up minutes before the ticket windows opened and decided to take matters into her own gaping maw. She homed in on the Aggie holding a list of names and places in line and proceeded to devour it.
Her strategy was:
1. Skip to the front of the line.
2. Eat the list.
3. Talk ’bout Jesus.
In the end despite the protests of her fellow Aggies the List Eater secured her tickets and followed through on her dream to see the Aggies stomped in the Cotton Bowl by Tennessee 38-7.
When someone asks you to name a delusional college fanbase the usual suspects probably come to mind: Notre Dame, Clemson, BYU (on and off the field) but Texas A&M really shouldn’t be undersold. Every year is finally going to be the year that A&M leapfrogs Texas and becomes the POWER of America’s worst state, and every year they fall short. The futility of this paper tiger program can best be shown by its bowl record since joining the Big XII:
YEAR BOWL OPPONENT RESULT
1997 Cotton Bowl UCLA 23-29 LOSS
1998 Sugar Bowl Ohio State 14-24 LOSS
1999 Alamo Bowl Penn State 0-24 LOSS
2000 Indepdendence Bowl Mississippi St. 41-43 LOSS
2001 Galleryfurniture.com Bowl TCU 28-9 WIN!
2004 Cotton Bowl Tennessee 7-38 LOSS
2006 Holiday Bowl Cal 10-45 LOSS
2007 Alamo Bowl Penn State 17-24 LOSS
2008 Independence Bowl Georgia 20-44 LOSS
2010 Cotton Bowl LSU 24-41 LOSS
1-9 (.100) and outscored 321 – 184. Two more bowl wins and you would have caught up to Iowa State. SO CLOSE!
This is the team that was supposed to leapfrog Texas before they finally ran away to the SEC to hide from them. Hopefully they enjoy being passed around the SEC like a cadet pledge. Speaking of which…
The Corps of Cadets
Trying to reduce the spirit of the corps down to a few sentences is no easy task. Imagine a University sanctioned group that wrapped up the worst stereotypes about the military, the south and fraternity culture into one odious package. Now imagine someone wrote a sexually repressed fan-fiction about that group and then you’ll have the cadets.
As part of their pledging procedure each prospective cadet has to keep a jar filled with a variety of fluids provided by their senior cadets somewhere in their room (frequently under their bed). Those fluids almost always are excreted from the cadets themselves, usually as part of a ritual circle jerk where the cadets take turns ejaculating into the pledge’s jar. They’ve also been known to contain a magical pot pourri of other things like menstrual fluid.
The proud traditions of the military. I wonder if Hannibal ever beat off into the jar. If you are an A&M fan reading this no I do not mean Hannibal Smith.
Enduring a few weeks in the presence of this rapidly fermenting broth of self-hatred and bodily fluids is a rite de passage for cadets.
Matt, you seem like a good man but I just don’t know if I can trust you to have my back in our fake army unless you take my friend’s menses and let me put it under your bed for two weeks.
If you manage to prove yourself a worthy cadet by tolerating the smell of rotting semen and exhibiting a sufficient level of discomfort around gays then you too can earn your way into the cadets. An organization with a proud and storied list of traditions like squeezing their own nuts at football games.
Feel the pride.
Feel your scrotum.
Threaten a cheerleader with a sword.